I did not vote for our new President, though I want to like him.  His actions make that awfully difficult.  The national economy is depressed, as is mine.  Still, I have all of my fingers and toes.

When the time arrived to do that, I had to think for awhile.  Somehow, simply making a list of where and how I’ve strayed from the straight and narrow did not appeal to me.  So I kept sitting and thinking.  And then I wrote this confession:

Confession.

Where do I begin?   Where do I end?   Or, how do I begin and end?

Conscience

Allow me first to make apologies to my conscience.  You are meant to be my illuminator, my sextant and compass; my guide to making decisions.

Yet much of my life has been spent studiously avoiding you, and attempting to block, prevent and crush your influence.   What kind of a life is that?  How have I managed to survive and make it this far?

Apart from the hundreds of ugly lesser sins, two or three things come immediately to mind.

Original Nature

I confess and repent for short-changing my original nature.  This includes my own potential for success, and being afraid of or unwilling to take on new or different challenges.  Certainly, fear of failure is a large part of that motivation…but how and why do I fear success?

My Spouse

Next, I confess and repent to my wife.  In so many ways I feel that I have benefited from her character and her effort, as well as the conditions she has set and merit that she has earned.  Rather than me leading the way, I’ve often deferred to her.  If that were solely out of respect, it would be okay.   But something tells me that there is more to it.  My laziness and selfishness have time and again moved me to sit back and be inactive.  How “manly” is that?

My Children

Next, I confess and repent to my children.  I have great pride in your character and your future.   In fact, I am proud of the example of harmony that your mother and I have set for each of you.  But I feel that I have failed you first in not establishing a clear, simple, heavenly tradition in our home.  Not having that, then it is so easy for the “tainted” culture to seep in and affect your habits and judgment—not to mention my own.

My Predecessors

I am sure that I owe gratitude and repentance to my ancestors and whatever spiritual influences that have guided me thus far.  After all, True Parents are here, and you have brought me to them.   I simply have not responded in the most desirable way.

God, My Parent

God, you are part and parcel of all of this.  So in apologizing, confessing and repenting to those I have already mentioned, I confess to you as well.

Shake me.  Wake me.  I pray for the character, the will, and the strength to overcome inertia and laziness; and to burst out of selfishness.

I thank you.

One of my experiences was that of catharsis. Godwin D’Silva, the State Leader for Southern California, died on February 12th, and his SeungWha was held on February 16th; two days before the event began (with a day of driving in between). I have become fairly good friends with Godwin, working together on many events, and travelling to Jerusalem, Seoul, and Washington D.C. together. In his last few weeks I spent a bit of time with his wife Darlene, their kids, as well as his Mother, brother and several sisters.

So, at the SeungHwa on Friday, I maintained a fair degree of composure. On Monday, during the Dae Mo Nim event, Dr. Yang was considerate enough to mention Godwin, and asked Darlene to stand and be ackowledged. Grief hit me then and there, as if I was being tackled. For several minutes I wept. Shortly after that, we had the presentation from Dae Mo Nim, and forgiveness prayer. The tears helped me prepare for that.

These workshops were meant to be an expansion of the providence at CheongPyeong Heaven and Earth Training Center in Korea; that of spiritual liberation and growth.

Your comments, opinion, and experiences are requested and welcomed.  Did you participate?  When and where?

–Keith McCarthy